Close

I'd love to be close to you.

As much as I can get close

To a photograph.

In a way

that I could count the fine lines,

the pores,

and how your iris dilates

when I come close.

How you inhale

Or exhale

In a minute,

and if the number changes

When I'm a little more than

3 feet away.

I want to know

the way your sweaty hair

Drops the dew on your temples

On the sides of your face.

I want to count those

so I could remember you.

You sound like my 1st grade handwriting.

So many stops,

so many slashes and dashes,

So many of those,

So many interlude that hums I hear.

Mimics a song unheard for years.

I want to be close to you

Either like the pages of a book

New or torn or tattered

It doesn't even matter much

When your surface and mine touch,

For a minute seemed years

I want to remember

But as I stare at you

With defined spaces in between,

I can only close what's left.

After all we have always been close,

Of a different kind.

Two Loves

My two loves don't pull my both arms in opposing ways, 
but the feet that wear high heels on the right, sneakers on the left, 
and which I would walk with no problem. 

They are either this and that, 
the maybes and possibilities of my 5th grade Science project: feasible. 



They are what an adulterer is envious about. 
They know each other, be friends with each other, 
while rolling in the same bed that I lay.

They are the silence that spoke to each other 
over coffee inside the cloud that lingers above my head. 

They are the very hands that tickle my side 
and pamper the other, 
the same hands that decorate my hair with glorious braids,
I'd be mistaken as a goddess. 

And if the two shall flee, 
I'd cut myself in half, so we'd never be apart.

Para kanino ka bumabangon?

Sa hinaba-haba ng prusisyon, sa eskwalahan din ang tuloy.

It's been a long 3 and 1/2 years of company hopping, job changing, and soul searching. Finally, I could see the reason why CNU made me one of its alumna, and PRC, one of its LET board passers. From now on, I won't have the worries of people asking me: "nganung wa pa man ka nag maestra day?" when asked about my job. I no longer need to explain what SEO means or where does my written articles go. I don't even have to worry about BPO stereotypes, because I'm no longer one of them.

But do I get to escape these time-wasting questions with my new found career? No. In fact, people have the worst misinterpretations of a special education class, that I'm quite confused whether I should laugh at the widespread ignorance or show what my students can do right at their very faces. Extreme as it seems, you can never take away the feeling of desperation for a teacher like me to make others understand that our special children are not who they think they are. In fact, this over-generalization is contradictory to the term "special."

The first time I had a hands-on teaching session with them, I felt like being a 4th year college practice teacher once again, handling materials for the first time, talking to class for the first time, explaining for the first time, and being a commander/mother for the first time. It's a moment where there's a need to have a 360 degrees transition from being a 3-year office girl and 2-month bum to a lifetime educator. You don't need to ask me if there was any pressure, because it's beyond explanation. But is there any regret? Absolutely none!

I'm just happy that I already have the answer to this question from an epic coffee commercial: "Para kanino ka buabangon?"

C'mon Skinny Love

I came across this song through an office mate after a series of Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears on my headphones (and I completely understand how you feel right now). Luckily, I didn't include Justin Beiber to complete the equation. Skinny Love saved me.

This is Birdy's version of "Skinny Love," an original of Bon Iver and composed by Justin Vernon. Aside from those eyes that look through you throughout the video, what captured me the most are the lines which became unusually personal as I listened to it a few times. Here are the lyrics:

Come on skinny love just last the year

Pour a little salt we were never here

My my my - my my my - my my my my - my my ...

Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

My my my - my my my - my my my my - my my ...

Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different kind

I'll be holding all the tickets

And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here

Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere

My my my - my my my - my my my - my my ...

Sullen load is full so slow on the split

I told you to be patient I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted then who the hell was I?

Cause now I'm breaking at the britches

And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you? who will fight?

And who will fall, far behind?

Come on skinny love

My my my - my my my - my my my - my my ...

Come on skinny love

My my my - my my my - my my my - my my ...

The lyrics got me insomniac for a while, literally. When you feel like you know it but you just can't explain to yourself or there's no starting point to explain everything, you just can't afford to sleep. If I can remember it right, that was 2 months ago when I started listening to this song. It was pointless at first, but the unfolding of events in my personal life gave me an idea. 

The song is talking to me; it was written for me and I didn't realize that until now. It came in a rush that I had to stop working for a while and edit this entry. 

Salt and blood/crushed veneer: such compatible images to represent desperation of healing. The repetition of "I told you to be..." rose as an unending regret of what might have been. Your skinny love is weightless, futile, and doomed but you remain steadfast in building it again. 

"Come on skinny love..." is a very subjective invitation and can denote different things depending on who's listening. It may be an invitation of walking away or an invitation of getting up or trying again. 

What sort of invitation can you hear?

A Day in the Life: The Meetup

Inspiration. 

It's really hard to have that these days. When you find your career and personal life in a very unstable and inconvenient situation, you ask yourself where you're going. Pulling out the smallest ounce of confidence that you'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel is near to impossible. Then again, chances make ways.

Strangers.

I like strangers. I love talking to them, spending time with them, and discover their story. I guess that's how I got myself into all sorts of trouble, because I have this dangerous tendency to trust too easily. But I never lost hope in strangers. Like me, they are people with all kinds of struggles, and their lives are theirs to make. Who am I to judge?

Inspiration and strangers are two, very unalike things. In fact, they aren't related at all lexicologically speaking. Luckily, though, I was able to have both today. Yes, today.

Forgive me of my manly foot. Walking several kilometers probably increased my masculine hormones.  That's just a theory, though.

It wasn't just another hang out, it's about discovery of a new found friendship. Until now, it amazes me how things got spontaneously smooth flowing with someone I met for the first time. I find it interesting that we both had our own share of "first-time" experiences on our meetup: the merriment on the ferry boat, the wonders of street food, and the endless walks to savor downtown Cebu together.

Vigor.

The drive to make ambitions a reality struck me the most. He's 22, I am about to be 24, but I couldn't see the difference. Two years may be a negligible age difference, but there's so much that can happen in 2 years that can change you. Life changed us and I believe that's what makes us get along so well. The determination I see every time he speaks of what he wants himself to become 5 or 10 years from now felt like an encouragement for me to work harder and smarter than what I'm doing now. His vigor for life, family, and dreams blew me away.

Chasing dreams.

Riding on that plane alone and bringing nothing but confidence and good purpose is something that bravery itself must applaud. He's off to chase his dreams and I will be mighty proud if I can see him driving his own BMW someday. Of course, with my Benz parked somewhere ;)

First Date with Malakius

You don't get to date Malakius everyday. Well, at least not for me. I feel that it's too rewarding for someone so undeserving, too good to be true.

Just when you thought I'm dating someone again, I hate to tell you that Malakius is more of an "it" than a "he." 

It's like this: I got bored and tired waiting for my turn at the NBI service center. It was a scorching midday and I feel that I lost all my energy to wait for another hour. I don't want all my efforts put to waste so I preferred to wait for another hour, spend my last extra 150, and sat down in Malakius Art Kaffe for anything frosty. 

Left: Unmixed   Right: Mixed

I honestly think that their blended iced latte is better than any coffee I've ever tasted. Smooth, full, and won't give you the sugar rush. It's just latte as how it should be. Plus, they had it on a pretty and sexy tall glass which made it even more appetizing. 

I'm glad that the place lived up to it's title as an "art cafe." See that bowl with colorful rolled pieces of paper inside? They have something like this when you open it:

Tada! The Word of God and a glass of a refreshing iced coffee! What a way to stretch my patience. 

I can remember so well how that day ended and it was a good thing I had something so refreshing beforehand. If I hadn't, I'm literally going to burst with all the stress molecules in my system. 

Baby, I'm Feeling No Stress. I'm Too Fly to be Depressed.

Yep, it's Ne-Yo's song lyric right there in the title from the song "Go On Girl." 

There's nothing new and peculiar about celebrating Valentine's Day single. In fact, there are 100 million single adults (I meant those who are not in any kind of romantic relationships) in the United States alone. I don't have a concrete Stats on the number of singles in the Philippines, but I could say that there's a rising number of them. This is good news. I'm not alone. 

Let me quote a part of Madrilena de la Cerna's article published in Cebu Daily News which may interest you, especially if you're riding solo this February 14. 

"To be single in the Philippines, especially for the females, is to bear the endless name-calling: wa mahalin (as if she’s for sale), nabiyaan sa train (as if marriage is a trip), lagas (as if she’s an agricultural product), dagang guwang (said with a tone especially if a male is the one describing), old maid (said with a smirk)."  Read more

This says nothing but the truth about singles in the Philippines, particularly female singles. I think there's too much stereotyping going on here. I understand that I have the tendency to become fatalistic but I believe that people always end up on what they deserve, on what God intends to happen. And...it doesn't mean they're not happy. Happiness is such a broad, immaterial idea for you to cage it to romance. Some remain single by chance, while some, by choice. Either way, people will eventually find what's missing in their lives and that's not particularly pertaining to romantic relationships. 

This Valentine's Day, singles (that includes me) also have the right to celebrate. The date is going to be on a Thursday, so if you don't want to feel all sleepy at work the next day, you can have an intimate party time with your family at home! 

Here's what you should do:

• Grab a box of pizza (or any favorite pasabulong) for the whole family to share
• Decide on a theme color (Red is great, but too common. Try Pink or Orange for a change!)
• Hit on your playlist while having chit chat and snack time. 

Speaking of playlist, here are my suggestions to perk up the break-up and find happiness in single-hood:

1. What Doesn't Kill You - Kelly Clarkson

2. Young, Wild, and Free -Wiz Khalifa and friends 

3. Lullaby for Myself - Barbara Streisand

4. I Don't Need a Man - Pussycat Dolls (ultimate feminist song!)

5. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

6. Ugly Girl - Fleming and John

7. Single Ladies - Beyonce

8. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson

9. I'm Not Missing You - Stacie Orico

10. Single - Natasha Beddingfield

Don't be afraid if others don't find you "marketable," you're not a commodity. Don't worry if the last trip is over, your true love may have preferred to travel on foot. You're a million times better than a dead leaf and there's certainly nothing wrong with being an old maid especially if you prepared well enough to enjoy retirement.

For those who thought that they have found the love of their lives, don't fret. It's not the end of the world. Life doesn't stop just because things didn't work out for the both of you. I'm not a fortuneteller or anything similar to that but I believe that people are born for other people. Someday, you'll find that One person who will sweep you off your feet and will make you believe in 'til death do us part. 

Hope not for a date this Valentine's, but a date who can make your ordinary days extraordinary.